If you suspect that someone you know is being 
abused let her know that you care.

LISTEN ..... o without judging. Your values and beliefs may be different from the person you are trying to help. o From a very early age we get the idea that having a relationship is the most important thing and worth any sacrifice. o Avoid giving advice and let go of any expectations that you may have that there is a "quick fix" to the situation. Your role is to help your friend figure out solutions, not telling them what they should and should not do. o Do not interrupt or say unhelpful things like "I would never put up with that." o Do not ask unnecessary questions. Make sure your questions are helpful and are not just being nosey. BELIEVE... o her. Tell her that she did not deserve to be abused no matter what happened. o Help her to realize that the abuse is not her fault but her boyfriend's responsibility. A person can be upset or angry with you but that does not give them the right to abuse you. They have the option of talking out their feelings. SUPPORT ..... o her. Do not blame or attack the abuser as it may confuse her and move her to defend him. Be aware that up to now she may have found some justification for the abuse by making excuses for a person who says he loves her. o Allow your friend to feel the way she does. They might need to talk about the good stuff as well as the bad stuff. Also, remember that even in an unhealthy relationship it is not bad all the time. o Validate her feelings. Abuse is scary, embarrassing and hurtful. She may feel helpless or depressed. Let her know these are normal feelings to have for a scary situation. o Do not overreact to what she says for she may feel stupid or embarrassed. o Watch your body language and respect her right to personal space. You may want to hug your friend especially if she has been hurt ,but she may not want to be hugged by anyone, even you. o Support her right to be in control. Many tough decisions need to be made. Let your friend be in control of those decisions. o Do not criticize her for staying or trying to make it work again. Make sure your friend knows that usually abuse gets worse over time and you will be there if she ever decides to end it. o Help her to create a safety plan for the possibility of further violence. Encourage her to get help, to be alert for signs of danger, to find a place to store money or important documents. o Tell her good things about herself. Let her know she is strong, brave and smart. Her abuser is telling her she is stupid and eroding her self-esteem. o See if she needs medical attention. She may not realize the extent of her injuries. UNDERSTAND...... o if she stays in the relationship and is not ready to leave. Continue to be her friend while expressing concern for her safety. Leaving an abusive relationship takes time. Let her know you will always be there for her when she may need help or just needs someone to talk to. o Don't tell anyone else what she has told you about being abused. The abuser may hurt her if he hears rumours that she is telling people. Do not confront the abuser using information she has shared with you, unless she gives you permission. ENCOURAGE..... o her to get support from a counsellor or crisis centre. o Help her to document the abuse. o Remind her that dating violence is a serious crime and that she can seek help from the courts and the police. o Educate her and yourself about dating violence. See the resource listing for some guidance. o If you feel overwhelmed or frightened yourself get help. Talk to someone or a service for support. Assaulted Women's Help Line (416) 863-0511 Kids Help Line 1-800-668-6868